Anchors & Connections: Building Community in a New City
EPISODE SUMMARY
In this episode, I share my experience of moving from New York to Chicago. I talk about the challenges of driving the distance, the beauty of the journey, and the personal growth I experienced. Upon reaching Chicago, I talk about the process of settling into my new apartment with my partner and the importance of establishing anchors and building a community in the new city.
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About The Letters & Layers Podcast
The Letters and Podcast is hosted by Amaka Gratia, a Yale-educated Mental Health Nurse Practitioner who talks about books she loves and is currently reading, takeaway lessons, and topics focused on therapy and mental health that resonate with Black women today.
TRANSCRIPT
Amaka (00:00:15) - Hey, everyone. Welcome back. Welcome back to the Bibliotherapy for Black Women podcast. It's your host, Amaka. It's been a little while. I have been on a break and a lot has happened since the last episode. I am officially a Chicago resident. We made the move. On June 16th. And when I say we made the move, we made the move. Like we packed up the U-Haul, packed up my car, my partner and I. And my brother and a friend. The four of us drove from New York to Chicago over the course of the day on June 16th, which was a Friday. And, you know, there are different options in which to kind of like facilitate a move. You can fly if you want. You can take the train or whatever. I don't know, but, um, I wanted to drive. I wanted to drive because it would be a new experience for me. I am not a big fan of driving long distances. The longest I've driven is probably six hours, and that's only because I left and like hit maybe rush hour traffic.
Amaka (00:01:53) - And then it was a really bad and then it like added like 90 minutes to the travel time or whatever. But ultimately the longest I've driven is DC to New York, which if you do that drive like late at night, it can be less than four hours, which I have actually done before. And I got to New York in like less than four hours, which was amazing. But typically a drive like that is. Closer to five hours with normal traffic. So I haven't really driven more than that. And I don't mind driving in general, but I don't really care to drive long distances. However, I was like, this is something that I could do and it would just be a new experience for me in terms of just like endurance, because long distance driving, I've seen road trips are a feat of mental endurance because you get to the point where you're just like, it's just road like you're just, and it can feel like you are not making any progress. So the drive for us was about, um.
Amaka (00:03:18) - Um, let's say 14 to 15 hours total. Because we stopped quite a few times. We left New York. We left the house at like 630. Woke up at 4 a.m.. Left the house around 630. Actually got out of New York at around 830 because we stopped for breakfast. And then we live in Queens, so we had to, like, go through like, you know, New York City morning traffic. And unfortunately, like when you're driving a U-Haul. I wasn't driving the U-Haul. Um, my husband was with his friend, and they were in the U-Haul driving. There's only certain roads that you can drive on with, like a bigger vehicles. So that took us longer to. So we pretty much left New York like 830. And we were in new Jersey for a little bit and and then we got into Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania was the longest stretch. It it is such a long stay because like if you kind of envision a New York, um, a United States map, you have Pennsylvania, which if you're driving west, you're pretty much driving the horizontal direction of the state, which is its longest, like north to south of Pennsylvania is like shorter than going east to west.
Amaka (00:04:50) - So we're driving west, and I think it may be took, I don't know, six hours, 6 to 7 hours just to get out of Pennsylvania. And we made like 1 or 2 stops, you know, to go to the bathroom, get some snacks. And then because I feel like Pennsylvania on its own probably took up just as much time as going through Ohio and Indiana and then Illinois. So that's, you know, to give you an idea of how long, how long in terms of like with from east to west Pennsylvania is is pretty long. But it was beautiful, even though it was the longest point of the drive, it was the most beautiful part of the drive. Pennsylvania has some areas that are very hilly and mountainous. And, you know, it's the summer. So it's just like so beautiful with the greenery and then the mountains too. So like there were points where I didn't even really feel the the burden of the drive. I was just in awe of the nature that was around me.
Amaka (00:06:05) - And my brother was there too. So we were, you know, kind of just like, in awe together and looking at the beautiful, beautiful nature that was around us. So we got through Pennsylvania. Ohio is pretty much flat land. Ohio is where we stopped at around four ish between like 230 and 430. We had a stop, we had lunch, um, we chilled for a little bit. And then at that point we had like six hours left. Still had to get through maybe about half of Ohio or a little less than that and still had to get through Indiana. So by the time we got to Chicago, it was 11 p.m.. So we were pretty much driving all day. Like when you say all day, like all day. Um, I remember when I was in Indiana and I saw the first sign that said Chicago. I was so giddy, I tapped my brother, like so feverishly, like, look, look, look. Look. And I was like, I think part of the excitement for me, because when you're on a road trip, you know, you're eventually going to get to your destination, but you get in those like mental pockets of where it's really tough and you're just like, this is never going to end, is it? So, you know, I had a couple of those during the road trip, but like, what choice do you have? You just have to keep driving.
Amaka (00:07:43) - And I got to the point where, like the next major city was Chicago. And I started to see the sign and I was so excited. If anything, it gave me a little bit of like an umph to be like, okay. And that happens with me just in life. Like if I'm going through something, whether it's physical or whatever, when I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it gives me like that. I don't know if I'm to call it adrenaline or motivation, but I'm just like, okay, the end is near, let's punch it. So I get that burst of energy. And I was just like, okay, we are nearing our destination, so we're tired, but we're almost there. So I really relied on that energy of seeing the Chicago sign. I saw it maybe three times, and any time I would see it and I would like get renewed energy until we actually got to the point where I was seeing the city skyline. Oh my God, oh my God, I cannot, I cannot explain the feeling of like.
Amaka (00:08:52) - I did it. And the feeling of accomplishment. Because you're girl when I tell you I don't like long distance driving. But this experience for me made it feel a lot less daunting, you know? Um, because I'm just like, how? Like, how am I going to occupy myself? Like, it's just really a mental it's a very strong mental exercise that thankfully I was able to conquer. And that's part of the reason why I decided to drive versus flying and shipping my stuff or whatever, because I'm just like, if I can do this, then this is just another thing that I have done, and the only thing that it's going to do for me is build my confidence, because I feel like conquering new experiences are one of the keys to continuously building confidence as a person. Even if you embark on a new experience and you quote unquote fail, which my understanding of the word failure has changed over time. But I'm going to use it just for ease of understanding. If you if you embark on a new experience and you quote unquote, fail, you have still learned something for when you ultimately decide to try again, and then that failure will just have been a step or a catalyst towards what the ultimate end goal is.
Amaka (00:10:22) - So I remember seeing that city skyline and I was like, I did it, I fucking did it, I did it. I drove from New York to Chicago, and having done that, like I feel like sometimes with new experience, once you have conquered it, once you have seen the other side, once you're on the other side and you are, you are seeing the end. It unlocks. The potential of completely new opportunities and what you're able to do. Because like now I'm in the Midwest and as far as the middle or, you know, still on the east eastern side of the country, but as far as where we are in relation to where I was, I'm more in the middle of the United States. So now I'm thinking, okay, I can drive to, you know, Wisconsin. Milwaukee is a 90 minute drive. I can drive to Saint Louis, Missouri, you know, for some good barbecue and do some exploring there because that's only a 4.5 hour drive I can drive to Nashville.
Amaka (00:11:33) - I've actually thought of taking, like, a weekend trip to Nashville, because from Nashville to Chicago is seven hours, I can drive to Minnesota, I can drive to so many different places and really like, if I want to dedicate, you know, some time and energy to this, I could really, like explore the Midwest and what it has to offer. And because now I've driven over 14 hours, a seven hour drive doesn't seem too bad. Like a six hour drive doesn't seem too bad. Even an eight hour drive doesn't seem too bad. If my destination is like really a place where I want to explore. So that's if I have learned anything from this experience of taking a road trip. And I was the only one that drove like my car. Um, I get nervous when other people drive it. I'm. I got to be honest. And my brother lives in New York City, so he has a license, quote unquote. But he rarely drives. So I did all the driving.
Amaka (00:12:34) - He moreso came for company, which I really, really appreciated. So for me to do that huge stretch of driving like an eight hour drive, it's still kind of long, you know, but I can do it. And I feel like when you really stretch your mental capability, when you go beyond that, like for myself, before I took this drive, the longest I had driven was five hours. When you go beyond that, when you push yourself, your mental capability of what ultimately your limits are is stretched. Because now five hours is like a whatever. Like I could drive five hours and to one place and, you know, ultimately come back the next day and it wouldn't be a big deal versus if I were to drive five hours before, I would need to kind of stay in that place at least two days, you know, to kind of make it worth it. But now, like a quote unquote long drive for me would probably be anything over eight hours, whereas before it was anything over five hours.
Amaka (00:13:42) - And why is that? Because I have mentally stretched my capability in my mind of how long a quote unquote long drive is. So I just feel like, I hope this is making sense to, you know, my listeners, because I have learned so much from this experience of driving, you know, from New York to Chicago. And it has it has stretched and broadened what I mentally think is capable or doable for myself versus not. And that opens up so much more opportunity, you know, because I'm no longer limited by my, oh, it's more than five hours. Like, am I really going to do this now if I really have to stretch myself like it's going to be more like, oh, like it's more than eight hours, like, do I really want to do this? And I if there's nothing else that I have taken away from. This experience, I'm thankful for the fact that my mental limits, quote unquote, at this point, have expanded and that allows so much more room for new and exciting and, you know, um, original things to happen that haven't happened to me before.
Amaka (00:15:10) - So ultimately, that's how the road trip went. We got here almost at midnight, like between 11 and 12 on the 16th, and we didn't do any packing. We were we were spent. We were exhausted. Literally all we did was open up the mattress and we crashed. And then Saturday, the four of us worked together to get all the boxes and the apartment. And then over the course of like the next 1 to 2 days, my brother flew back and my husband's friend flew back, and then my husband and I, um, you know, slowly started making the apartment look like a decent space to live in. So I would say we're like 95% unpacked at this point. And over time, we'll still kind of like, pick pieces of furniture and artwork and really make it our own space. So as far as Chicago goes, like, I'm happy that I'm not completely unfamiliar with the place because my husband had, um, medical rotations here when he was still in med school. So I would come and visit him.
Amaka (00:16:29) - And we don't live too far away from where he used to live. So, like, it was nice to go back to our go to Mexican restaurant for tacos when he used to live here and like there was a supermarket that I would go to sometimes that I really am a big fan of. It's called Pete's Fresh Market for anyone in the Midwest who might be listening. I really enjoy that market. Um, so I was excited to go back. Um, and then I'm kind of just getting to know my own neighborhood. It's very walkable. It's very bikeable. I don't have a bike, but my husband does, and that's primarily the way that he gets around. Um, and there is also a major university within a mile of where we live. So there are a couple of major stretches of streets that have a lot of like, small businesses and cute restaurants and, you know, things that kind of cater to a younger demographic. Things are a little quieter right now because it is summer, and I think a lot of the students are gone.
Amaka (00:17:37) - Um, so it'll be interesting to see how the neighborhood changes a little bit when students start coming back for the fall. Um, I have lived in a college town before. I lived in downtown New Haven in Connecticut, which is right where Yale is. So it's not completely new to me, and I don't think it'll be too much of an issue. And we're a little bit removed from the actual college campus. So if I want to kind of remove myself and be in a more quieter space, then I can kind of just go home. But if I want to be in a more livelier space and be around more people, I literally need to walk like a half mile. And then, you know, I'll be around more people. So I really like the location of our place. Um, it's close to everything. Um, I could actually walk to downtown Chicago if I was really ambitious, but it's just a matter of like, a ten minute train ride. And I guess I'm saying all this to say, as far as transitions go, I have moved.
Amaka (00:18:41) - So many times in my life. You know, I had a pretty stable, steady childhood as far as where I lived in New York, in Long Island. But then once I graduated from college and there was a lot that was happening in my family, I moved so many times. Like initially I moved from New York to Texas because that's ultimately where my family relocated to and then got a job in Delaware. So moved to Delaware and then moved to the DMV for my DC job, and then moved to Philly for nursing school, and then withdrew, and then moved to Connecticut for nursing school again and stayed there for three years. Connecticut, ultimately, I think, is Connecticut and the DMV are my longest stretches in terms of where I've lived, and then moved to New York, which I was there for just under a year and a half, and now I'm here. So I've lived in, what, seven states over the past like 11, 12 years. And Chicago is definitely going to be a place where I'm going to be for a while, like at least three years, maybe four.
Amaka (00:19:49) - So I'm looking to make this place feel like home for the time I'm here, and it's going to ultimately just become part of my journey and part of my story. So yeah, I am. You know, really just trying to figure out how to start feeling more at home here. And one thing that I've learned when it comes to moving to a new place for me is, you know, kind of putting out anchors, like, if you kind of envision a ship and that's kind of out at sea and maybe is looking to dock, what I think of is like those big golds, um, they almost look like I don't know what to call them, but when you go maybe Google anchors and then go to images and then you'll kind of see what I mean. Like you throw those things out and they're so heavy and weighty that they just sink to the bottom. If you're like, you know, in more shallow water and it anchors the ship. So it's really not moving too much farther away from where it currently is.
Amaka (00:20:58) - So over the course of, like all the transitions that I've been through, I've gotten to the point where I almost have broken it down to a science of how to start feeling at home outside of unpacking the boxes and, you know, my immediate space, because it gets to the point where you kind of just want to explore where you live and try and start making it feel more familiar to you, and you're not really feeling like a stranger anymore. So as far as anchors, what they are for me is like establishing a place to go to work out so I know where I want to go in terms of workouts and going to the gym, establishing a place where I want to get my groceries. I'm a big Trader Joe's fan and, you know, along with pizza that I previously mentioned and Whole Foods sometimes too. So I know where the Trader Joe's is. I've been there, I know where my gym is, I've been there, and I'm looking for like since we're in the summer and the weather is really nice, I'm looking for walking trails and easy routes in the city that are safe and are easy to navigate.
Amaka (00:22:12) - So like, I can go out for a walk and I don't have to be at home all the time because I do work from home. So I have to be really intentional about getting out and moving my body and getting sunlight on me. And, you know, just being out in the world and breathing fresh air. So I've been really thinking about throwing out anchors into my neighborhood and even further than that, so that I can start feeling like home where I am right now, because I'm going to be here for a while. So I like I said, I have my gym, I have my places where I go grocery shopping. I'm starting to build a mental map outside of my home, of how to get to places without always using the GPS. That makes me feel like I'm, you know, developing a feeling of home where I am. Why I don't always have to open Google Maps. So I'm at the point right now where I can get to Pete's by myself, um, without my phone.
Amaka (00:23:10) - And I can get to the gym by myself without my phone, which is progress. I haven't even been here a month, so I know how to get from my house to the highway if I have to, like, go out of town once I go, once I get on the highway like I really like, I have to use my phone, but at least I know that much. So, you know, kind of using my home as the base, obviously. And now my mental map will slowly be growing, and the bigger it grows, the more I'll feel like I know my space and the neighborhood and the general region where I'm in. And the more home I'll feel. So. And then now I'm starting to, like, find ways to meet new people, you know, start building a community around me and a social network. Thankfully, I'm moving to a city, or I've moved to a city where I know a few people already. So like within the first week that I moved here, I was able to connect with a really, really, really good friend of mine who unfortunately is moving and my heart is broken.
Amaka (00:24:20) - Because like when we graduated from nursing school in 2021, she moved here to Chicago. And now that I'm here, she's moving out west, out further west. And I'm like, I understand why she's moving, but I'm just so sad. So I hope to see her maybe 1 or 2 more times before she transitions. But yeah, it's good to also know a few people here. Um, and then the people that I know will introduce me to other people and then just like, you know, building a network, a community of folks who ultimately, I hope to call friends and. You know, we can get to know each other, and it only will add positively to my experience here as a Chicago resident. So as far as like if I were to call it like a, a plan of sorts or a how to for how to um, establish yourself and start feeling at home in a new place. It would definitely be establish your anchors like where are you going for physical exercise? Are you going to go to a gym or are you going to, you know, what have you? Are you going to go to a YMCA or whatever, establish where you're going to go grocery shopping or like the 2 or 3 places.
Amaka (00:25:49) - So like I tend to go between like a Trader Joe's and a Whole Foods and like a Costco, we live nearby a Costco, which makes me feel like, okay, that's an anchor for me. And like the target that's nearby, that's an anchor for me. And then I've been able to find like 2 or 3 trails or parks where I can just go for my walks. Those are anchors for me. And those are really, really helpful because they're a place that I can go to when I don't want to be at home and then, you know. Establish an anchors in terms of building community. That's a big part of no longer feeling like a stranger in a new place. And the most important piece of all of this, I would say, is it takes time. Like it is not going to be something you establish overnight. I feel like putting out your anchors and establishing a community in a new space, you really need to give it three months minimum. And sometimes I get a little impatient, like I tend to be home more nowadays, but that's because things are new.
Amaka (00:27:06) - Um, I'm just moving here and I'm getting to know pockets and people and where things are happening. And, you know, there's just some waiting that you have to do. But just keeping in mind that this takes time. It took time for me to build my community in New York. And it's going to take time for me to build my community here, just like it took time to build my community in Connecticut, even though that was a little easier because I was walking into a community, which was my nursing program. But yeah, ultimately, I am hopeful. I'm optimistic. I am happy with where we are, and it's just ultimately up to me to make the most of it, which I intend to do. So that's kind of where I am, and I didn't make it official, but I really just wanted to come back on the podcast and say hello to you guys, and I really hope you all are doing well. And you know, as always, things can be tough and I'm sending love and support and light and strength if you need it right now.
Amaka (00:28:22) - If there is something difficult that you're going through, and I think I'm going to end the episode here, like I didn't want to put too much pressure on myself with coming back. I just kind of wanted to share how things are going right now and ease back in. When it comes to the second half of the year. We are officially in the second half of the year. Um, and usually for me, once we get to this point, my mind is thinking 2024. I don't know if there are other people like that, but once we hit July 1st, my birthday is on the 18th of this month. So once my birthday comes and goes and July kind of like winds down and we move into August. Honestly, for me it's really a blink of an eye. And we're at Thanksgiving and we're at Christmas and we're saying Happy New Year. So I'm really looking towards. Kind of ending 2024. Sorry, ending 2023 on a high note. Um, you know, putting all my energy back into my baby, my love, which is this podcast and, you know, elevating it to the next level, which you guys are privy to already.
Amaka (00:29:40) - I've already kind of given a little bit of insight on what I have planned, and I am excited for you guys to see the fruits of my labor. So I'm gonna end the podcast here. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you guys so much for sticking with me. I can't believe we're about to hit two years with this podcast on September 1st. It makes me emotional just thinking about it, but I appreciate every single one of you who have decided to subscribe. I see that there are a few new subscribers over the past few weeks. Thank you for subscribing to this podcast. Please share this podcast. Please recommend to folks who you think would love it. Um, please reach out to me if you have any questions or comments or anything that maybe you would want me to give my $0.02 on, that you don't mind other listeners hearing Reach Out to me and I'm so thankful for you guys. I appreciate you all so much, and I'll talk to you in the next episode.
(00:30:46) - All right.
(00:30:47) - Bye.
